Q: When your child is in relationship with a non-Christian and going to marry him—when they are living together. Does God want us, as parents, to “attend” when all we can see is destruction and abuse?
A: Disclaimer: This answer is my opinion only. This situation is extremely complicated and probably volatile. I am going to assume that your child is an “adult” in the eyes of the law. Once a child is out of the home and on their own the role of the parent changes significantly. The parent(s) become more of a guide-by-the-side or advice-giver than director. This transition is extremely difficult for many parents.
We want to control and protect our children from making mistakes. Any good parent would want to do this for their child. All we can do as parents is to raise our children to love God and love people as the Bible instructs us to do. After the child is “of age” they must make their own choices and live with the blessings or the consequences of those decisions. This is really hard to do.
As the parent you have wisely determined that being “yoked” with someone who is not a follower of Jesus Christ is a bad idea. You have also noticed that “living together” before marriage is also not a good idea. All of these assessments are correct. The problem is what can you do about it?
I would get down on my knees everyday with my spouse and pray earnestly for my child. If you are doing this, keep doing it. Pray that God would soften their hearts and bring conviction, repentance, and restoration.
As to whether or not to attend the wedding, this can only be you and your spouse’s decision. It is something that must be bathed in prayer and wise counsel. Whatever you choose to do will have enormous impact on the relationship. I do have a few questions that might help you and your spouse process this decision a little more:
-What will be accomplished if you and your spouse do not attend the wedding?
-How can you be the light of Christ in your child’s poor decisions and darkness?
I have no agenda in asking these particular questions other than trying to help you make the right choice. I would say that to make the decision to isolate or remove a relative from your life must be done with great care; especially, when it is one of your children. You might be the only picture of goodness, hope, joy, and love that your child will see for a while because of poor choices. You might be the only representation of Jesus for her and how you respond to her lifestyle will have great impact. It is possbible to love and care for someone even when that person is living far from God--it is just really hard to do. If you need to process this situation a little more I am absolutely available, simply call the church and we can set up a time to meet.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Tough Decision
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5 comments:
Follow up question. Should the Church or a pastor be invovled in a wedding ceremony where the couple are already living together? How would doing so encouage them in Christianity?
well, for starters, it honors a decision to move from living together to marriage. it seems a bit odd to me to say "you shouldn't live together unless you're married; oh, but i won't marry you."
we ask everyone who we will marry to go through premarital counseling sessions. i don't know about the others, but for me, i'm not shy about discussing the pitfalls of premarital cohabitation/sex (there are many, just look at the statistics). on the other hand, i don't beat them over the head and cast stones at them. one thing i do is ask that they don't have sex during the time they are doing premarital counseling, because sex can mask so many things it becomes difficult for the intended purpose of the counseling to work.
I have made bad decisions in my life. It was the love and support of my family even as I made poor decisions that helped me see and understand the love of Christ. Jesus spent most of His time on earth with sinners. He showed them love and asked them to follow Him! Jesus only judged those who CLAIMED to be righteous through their own actions. My suggestion would be to communicate your concerns to your child with unconditional love and then assure them that you will ALWAYS be there for them...no matter what!!! I believe God stays close with me evan when I sin because it is in the most difficult of times I reach for Him.
Rob, you said that as part of the counseling the couple is ask to not have sex. Do you ask them to seperate, (not live together) during this process?
I personally don't require that, though I do tell them that it would be best. The reason is that cohabitation during the counseling has two potentially detrimental effects. First, it increases the chances that they WILL have sex during the counseling. Second, it can interfere with the intent of the counseling directly as well.
The idea of the pre-marital counseling is to lay things on the line and take an honest look at what needs to be addressed and whether or not two people are really right and ready for one another. Cohabitation gives a false sense of confidence and introduces a complicating factor that goes something like this; "well, maybe he's not the right person, but then where will I live and how much would that cost and..." As crazy as it sounds, I've seen obvious red flags ignored because the alternative would be inconvenient.
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